Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
