Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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