DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
