why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
