You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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