I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
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