so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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