i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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