Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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