Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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