How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
