Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
