If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
