There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
