those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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