Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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