Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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