Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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