This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
