I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
