Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
