I wanna bring you to show and tell
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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