just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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