i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
