don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
