Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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