i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
