The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
