im six kinds of drunk right now
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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