she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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