Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Randomize
