put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
