I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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