Your dad touched me again.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
