Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
