im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
