ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
And then he peed in my hair
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