hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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