she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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