do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
