im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
