highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
