there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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