You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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