i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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