Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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