My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
