Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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