My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I know her cup size but not her name....
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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