I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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