her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
