I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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