Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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