Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
