with your own penis?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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